The title for this week is a bit of a funny one, as in my head, I'd imagine that title referring to some sort of sex workshop, which actually I would be very keen to do at some point, but probably better when I've got someone to have sex with.
In the meantime, I was still intrigued to go to a talk and panel that was part of the WOW (Women of the World) Festival taking place at The Southbank centre last week. The WOW Festival is now in its sixth year and was founded to create a place where girls and women could celebrate all that they had achieved, and in the hope that their progress wouldn't stall but flourish. Its interesting then, that now, six years later the feminist debate has never been quite so frenetic, rousing and causing such divided opinions. We are living in a time where gender equality is being fought for more than ever before.
So, when talking about some of the potent topics that concern women today, sex would definitely be right up there, from how often we have it, how we want it, how we get it, what it means if we always have it, want it and get it and the taboos and aspersions associated with all that.
This was a panel of five very different and interesting women who have all had very different experiences. In actual fact, that is the thing that makes and continues to make sex so intriguing and provocative - the fact that every person's sexual journey is so utterly unique, compelling and down-right weird. They say that no two snowflakes are alike, but I would bet that no two sexual histories are alike.
The panel was chaired by Rachel Morris, a psychotherapist, writer and broadcaster who used to be the resident sex columnist for Cosmopolitan magazine. She began by saying that she has been investigating sex her entire life but still knows nothing. But actually, is there something in that? Is there actually anything to specifically know? None of us know anything when we first start having sex do we? But gradually, we discover what we like and then just continue to do those things until we find something else that we like and so on and so on.
Rachel talked about a client of hers who had told her that she has never had an orgasm before, not with any of her partners, not even her husband, whom she has been happily married to for ten years. Rachel delved into this and it turns out that none of the client's partners had ever showed much interest in giving her orgasms and now, with her husband, she has just faked it for so long that he obviously thinks he's doing a pretty good job. So, now in a fit of guilt she doesn't say anything to him because he'll realise he wasn't doing such a stellar job, but also because she doesn't want to feel guilty about him trying hard to please her and potentially not managing.
I'm relaying this story because it highlights the point that Rachel was making in introducing the talk. Women don't talk about sex enough and don't feel comfortable talking about it, but this story just exemplifies how important it is for us all to communicate our feelings, desires, worries and every little gory in-between with each other.
The first person to speak after Rachel was Emily Nagoski, an author, researcher and sex-educator who specialises in human sexuality, human behaviour, sex-therapy and sex education; essentially a sex scientist. She has written a book called "Come As You Are" (clever title) all about the science of sex and how it can improve your sex life.
The most interesting thing she talked about that is in her book is something called arousal non-concordance. I didn't know what she was talking about at first but eventually I think I got the gist. It is when a woman's genitals do not match up to what her mind is saying i.e. she might be feeling really horny but she's not wet and vice versa. The interesting thing is that for men, there is about a 50% overlap between how erect their penis is and how turned on he feels. However, for women, there is only about a 10% overlap between what her genitals are doing and how aroused she feels. The reason for this is because what a woman's genitals are telling us is what is sexually relevant - i.e. there is going to be blood flow to the genitals when a woman has been exposed to a sexually relevant stimulus - this could be a hand on the breast, it could be porn, it could be watching monkeys have sex - it doesn't mean that we're turned on by it - it is just sexually relevant. So, FYI boys, just because a woman is super wet down there, does not necessarily mean you are the sexual mac daddy and lothario you think you are - find out from her mind and her words if she is really turned on.
There are a million and one sex books out there that all try to tell us an abundance of idiotic stuff about how to do it and the right way to do but the reality of it is - there is no right or wrong way and that was something that Emily said was so rewarding about a science and sexual sociology course she ran last year at a women's University. She said that when marking the final paper, when students were asked "what is the most significant thing you have learnt from this course", the majority of the students wrote "that I'm normal". That is why she wrote the book - to highlight that we are all fundamentally the same and any weird and unusual quirks, fetishes, thoughts or feelings we have are all normal.
Next up was Kathy Lette, the celebrated Australian novelist who has been writing about sex and sexual politics since she was a teenager. She talked about female sexuality and feminism in a slightly old-school way for me. She talked about the double standards that exists between men and women, you know, that men are labelled studs and love-Gods when they're sexually active and women are just sluts and slags, but, I don't know, I feel like we've heard that all before. Its something that will always exist because there is a "mass" society of conventionalists that will always be more prevalent than the experimentalists that wish to explore their bodies, evolve and experience the unusual.
Following Kathy was Skye Skyetshooki, a self-titled queer African artist and curerntly, a forensic psychology student. She was without doubt the most interesting, unique and paradoxically, understated but outrageous speaker.
In a very calm and refined way she mostly talked about masturbation. She grew up in Zimbabwe where no one talked about sex, she didn't learn about sex, didn't really know what the word was. But soon her body started changing and she began investigating and that led to masturbating - an awful lot. She said that getting caught didn't stop her.
She said that it took quite a long time for her to accept her sexuality - growing up in Zimbabwe the only gay person she knew of was Elton John. But, when she did start her sexual journey with women, she said that it was and has been incredibly liberating. She talked about sex in an almost spiritual way, like it is some sort of ritual or an art-form. Maybe that has something to do with being with another woman. A lot of women say that they always have orgasms with their female partners. Is it because of all the talking and the communication?
I happened to notice that there were quite a lot of gay women at the talk and at least two on the panel. Lets talk about sex, baby, but between gay women its not such a problem. Being with a woman is clearly very liberating because they are so in tune with one another. There's somthing to be said for that.
I liked that Skye did mention one of her favourite vibrators called a Lelo Mona 2. I checked it out online. Very intiruging.....and its on sale!!
The final speaker was Penny Pepper, a disabled writer, poet, activist and performer. It was so enlightening listening to a disabled person talking so openly about having sex. She admits herself that many of us look at disabled people and don't think that they're having sex. I have to admit that that thought has probably gone through my head on more than one occasion. She talked about why people think this was and it is because disability is not framed within the normal human experience. There is no expectation there with her that she has had sex, has sex and likes sex. In fact, Penny has had an awful lot of it - she's been married twice, engaged three times and....been spanked in a dungeon.
She did tell us that the mechanics of having sex from a wheelchair are quite difficult, particularly trying to give a blow-job from one. She told a lovely little anecdote about a sexual encounter she had with a man, but got too drunk on champagne, fell backwards and then thew up everywhere.
What Penny was ultimately saying is that sex is a complete journey of discovery. Its about smell, touch and exploration. Its not just A going into B - its about going all the way through the alphabet. Fundamentally all of this only happens in the best way with communication. So, I gues the more we talk about sex with each other, the better the sex we're going to have, and that can only be a good thing!
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