Week 17 - learning how to cope with imperfection

Ok so, this week could potentially go one of two ways.  I either come off as a rather witty , self-deprecating, admirable and mindful individual......or.........a totally pathetic, sad-sack misery who doesn't like herself.  Hmmm.  The title of this article may be a good indication of which one I think is more likely.

Oh dear. Well, regardless, I'm baring my soul and I'm not sure I'm really ready to open my heart to you all.  But then again, this particular piece is probably very helpful for me at this stage in my life for two reasons.  Firstly, I have a problem with vulnerability.  I don't let people see mine and in trying to do things so perfectly, over the years I have developed a bit of a hard crust around me because, put simply,  I don't think I'm worthy of love.  (Bloody hell, too much?!  My therapist might be proud).
Secondly, I'm disconnected from myself, for me, that means I don't stop and reflect or contemplate with myself - I just rush through every bit of life in the present without thinking about what has just happened - so writing things down is hugely useful as I'm thinking about everything as I'm writing it.

I know that my perfectionist proclivities began when I was at school after a small, almost insignificant bout of bullying.  I tried to be the perfect person, the perfect friend, the perfect listener, the perfect confidant and it didn't work, obviously.  I became agitated and just came off desperate throughout my teenage years.  That then evolved into my professional life, wanting to always have the perfect, dream job - again, not bloody likely but it didn't stop me from jumping around, not focusing and leading me to a point where I still don't know what I want.

Now don't get me wrong, I know I have achieved success, I have done a few very cool things, I do know that.  But, the problem is wanting more and feeling desperately inadequate when I don't get it and sort of giving up on everything in the meantime with the weight of despair.  (which version did I think I was going to sound like?!!)

Its not like I don't know how utterly boring and unobtainable perfection is.  Nobody wants perfection.  People love flaws and vulnerability and quirks: all these things are precisely what makes people desirable.  No one wants perfect and no one is perfect.  Fuck off perfect.

So I guess what all this comes down to is accepting myself and learning how to cope with all my imperfections.  As luck would have it, I spotted a class in just that at The School of Life.  The class was designed by Alain de Botton, a prolific philosopher and one of the founders of The School of Life.

During the class, what became apparent very early on in the discussions between around 30 of us and the teacher, Maurits, was that we are all as paranoid and anxious and nit-picky as each other.  We all have the best of intentions and have different ways of dealing with the opposition to that.  Essentially, it all comes down to how well we cope when we realise that life isn't totally perfect or how we had imagined.

Maurits set us a task, to write a short newspaper headline to describe one of our perfectionist tendencies.  He went round the whole of the class and everybody came up with something witty and characteristic.  When it got to my turn I just laughed.  I hadn't written anything because I was procrastinating about the perfect thing to write about my perfectionism.

We are generally perfectionist about five things; material life, relationships, creativity, professional life and our reputation and appearance.  Yep, I certainly tick every box there, some more than others but all relating to the same fact: I have preposterous ideals and expectations, not only on myself but also on others and as a result of those unattainable goals not being achieved, I constantly feel inadequate and unaccepting of failure.  I mean, its crazy even verbalising this to myself - if a friend was saying all of this to me, I would whole-heartedly tell them to stop being so hard on themselves.

Our imaginations don't help of course, being triggered by society and the media and our families.  As humans, we are hard-wired to improve ourselves and to imagine the best and biased view of reality, exacerbated by the "we can have it all" mentality.  But unfortunately, our imaginations are just that, biased and altered and utopian.  But again, the whole world being uniformly utopian is tediously mundane.

Being a perfectionist and a sloppy one at that is exhausting.  I find it difficult to feel fulfilled and have realised how impatient I am in life.  I have to get things done right then and there because I have fear that they won't happen.  I have such anxiety that something is not going to get done that I make unrealistic demands not only on myself, but on others too and this doesn't come across well as its so defensive.

And then, perfectionists can often be very sulky and passive aggressive, which normally makes it a whole lot worse as it often does for me.  I just want to be understood creatively and personally and I get so discouraged when people don't get me and I don't help myself by not articulating what my frustrations are.

Nevertheless, having perfectionist tendencies is not all bad.  Its not wrong to have high standards and beliefs, we just need to all define what is good perfectionism and what is bad perfectionism.

So for me, I know its good to strive for excellence in life and to better myself but I must not beat myself up for not attaining a certain level and, most certainly not be so unaccepting of other people's shortcomings.  We must all appreciate other people and think about how much work they might have put into something.  Its not just about coping with my imperfections but other peoples as well.

My huge lack of self-worth and feelings of inadequacy are ludicrously excessive, to the point that it is debilitating.  Why do I feel that I have to be almost performing with every aspect of my life?  As my therapist quite rightly says a baby doesn't need to be doing a dance to be fantastic, it just is.

In coping with people's imperfections we need to be kind, patient and forgiving. I would say those are  the things that I need to be, without doubt to others but most of all to myself.

I'm about to press the "publish" button.  I do it with a little trepidation as this is me at my most vulnerable.  But then I remember the two people who will be reading this.  My best friend Nicole, who knows all of this anyway and of course, my eternal supporter, the most loyal of readers, the one who didn't need me to do a dance when I was a baby; Mummy Sharff.  Love you.