Now I've already bared my soul quite significantly to you lot so I'm not about to gush again in a hurry but I will say this: I am a bad dater and an inexperienced dater. I'm not and never will be one of these girls who can get dates at the drop of a hat. If I was, this blog would have been about having 52 dates in a year. Believe me, I thought of that years ago.
Whether its my looks, my hardness, my arrogant air or my over-compensatory loudness who knows, but I don't get approached or asked out and I certainly have no luck online. I'm not a virtual person - I hate emailing, texting and messaging. Things always come across in the wrong way. I have always been a much more "in person" kind of person and so I sit here realising the irony in the fact that I write a blog that goes out into the virtual ether.
I have no other choice but to accept the modern world I live in and adapt in the best way that I can. I could of course go to real world dating events. The problem with that is that dating events totally and utterly suck balls. Really. No one has yet to invent a dating or singles event with any kind of cachet or coolness. I went to a few in my twenties; some speed dating, Jewish singles evenings, one where you're not allowed to talk, other novelty ideas but the reality of all of them is that because of the nature of them being "dating" events, especially ones that hold the speed dating format means you have a captive audience. This means that they attract even the most nervous and unconfident people i.e. people who wouldn't normally approach the opposite sex in the real world. So, whilst socially capable women will often go to events like this to broaden their pool of options (women are generally more open to these things than men), sociable and attractive men would rarely consider these as an option. You are then often left with a group of attractive, capable and sociable women talking to socially awkward, shy and nerdy men. This of course helps no one as the men ultimately feel out of their depth and the women feel disappointed.
The unfortunate reality is that women always go to dating events and men are incredibly hard to attract especially the desirable, attractive, sociable and confident ones. So, we're back to tinder. Urgh.
Anyway, why on earth am I talking about dating events when a) I hate them b) I never went to them in my twenties and c) I'm 35 now so I certainly wouldn't go to them now. Well, I went to one. However, it was purely a social experiment for me and obviously to try and learn something. I knew full well that I would probably be the oldest person there and that I would walk out not wanting to date a single one of the men there. I was right of course but why I was interested in it, was because this was a speed dating event backed up by science.
Created by Joss Wyatt,
The Date Lab events use psychological principles in testing singles' initial compatibility and tries to start everyone on the same foot. All I was told beforehand was that all ladies had to wear black (preferably body-hugging clothes) and under no circumstances could we wear anything red at all, so clothes, lipstick or accessories. The men were advised to just be smart-casual with no specifics on colours or style.
The difference to normal speed dating events which traditionally only last about 4 minutes with one round and the women staying seated, was that this one had two rounds with both the men and women staying seated and moving around.
So how was my experience of it? Well, it was generally what I expected in terms of the suitors available. They were either really young, mostly in their early 20's; although I did like a group of lovely, young chaps who had just finished at Durham University, or the typical shy and geeky guys who would need to be carried throughout the conversations. Well, that wasn't all - there were some genuinely lovely, pretty cool men there but still too young and not my type.
However, the science bit was really fascinating and made me think. It was so interesting how the second round of meeting each person changed and developed one's opinion. This is whats known as the mere-exposure effect. We like things that are familiar to us - so, repeated exposure to another person increases physical attraction. So the idea was that by being exposed to the other attendees more than once, it would increase our liking of one another. Whats also interesting is that when you go to a traditional speed dating event you're always thinking about who's next in line and whether they'll be better than your last date. After everyone has gone around the room, once you know whats available - your attitude shifts from being more apathetic to more focused. Once you know your options, you're going to consider them more carefully. So essentially, when you realise that Ryan Reynolds or Michael Fassbender aren't waiting around the corner, you're going to give everyone a fairer chance and try to find common ground, which I think I did.
The moving around as well really makes a difference. At a normal speed dating event it is typical for the man to get up and move around while the women stay seated. The reason both the women and the men moved around is because research has found that people who stay seated through an event (usually the women) become choosier as a result. Combine that with the fact that women are pickier anyway, it doesn't really give men a hope in hell! I have to say that being in the usual men's shoes by moving around was not that fun at all. You've only just made yourself comfortable when you have to get up again and start flummoxing around. I was so much happier when I stayed seated and felt like I almost hosted each date that came around. So I really feel for men in the usual situation.
Finally, the not wearing red. Well, red is a sexual colour, therefore men think that women wearing red are more sexually receptive than their non-red-wearing counterparts. Science? Or obvious? Men are stupid and simple. Apparently studies show that when talking to a woman wearing red, men will tend to ask more personal questions and will sit closer to them. And its not just clothes - men are more likely to approach women wearing red lipstick. Ohhhhhhh, so that's why I never get dates!!! Doh. Basically, the woman in the red dress will always have an advantage. Thats why all the women had to only wear black.
I guess the wearing black/red thing from a dating events point of view could be seen as a bit shallow. Are they advocating that its all about looks? Yes and no. Studies show that when we find someone attractive we also rate them higher in terms of other characteristics, such as kindness and intelligence - its called the Halo Effect. So I guess from a daters point of view - you only have such a small amount of time to meet and connect with people so the small and seemingly insignificant details make the difference.
Its so hypocritical isn't it? Judging people hard and fast we are guided by their looks and therefore think they rate higher with other traits. But, long term, getting to know someone, we are ultimately attracted to those other traits and their looks become inconsequential. The other traits always win and are the real guide to a person's true colours.
I'm not sure whether I learnt anything new this week per se, maybe in the world of speed dating but I'm sure we can all agree that I won't be doing that again. I guess I just need to go out and buy a red dress.
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